Blackbird (singing in the dead of night)
by JustKeepOnTheGrass
Summary: In which Jyn has a drinking competition with Lando Calrissian, Bodhi makes a phone call and everyone just tries to get by. [Jyn/Cassian with Bodhi/Jyn friendship - Part 8 in the "Where's My Love?" series]


_**Author's Note:** I AM SO SORRY! I don't know what is wrong with me. After writing "Emergency Contact" and reading guineapiggie's "Cold Coffee", I'm going full steam ahead with this tragic and broken up Jyn/Cassian headcanon. This story is inspired by a line in "Cold Coffee" (see end notes for the line) and so the story is gifted to guineapiggie because of it._

 _This is a companion piece of sorts to "Emergency Contact" although you don't need to read that one to understand this one. In my head, this happens sometime before "Emergency Contact" but after "Cold Coffee". It is also angsty and tragic so please proceed with caution. I will write something happy soon, I promise!_

 _Reviews are (almost) better than the Rogue One crew getting a happy ending. So please leave one if you can. Cheers!_

* * *

 _There is nothing better than memories,_

 _and there is nothing worse than them._

 **Anton Chekhov**

.

.

.

Things are heading south fast.

But to be honest, Bodhi has been expecting them to ever since he and Jyn left his place in his beaten-down Volkswagen five hours ago. When Jyn Erso shows up on your doorstep bleeding in the mouth, but high on _something_ \- when she wraps her arm around your neck and says, "Bodhi, take me out tonight" - you just know that the night is not going to end well.

What he didn't know, however, is that they would end up in the smallest bar in town with Lando Calrissian of all people, and that Jyn would be trying to drink him under the table.

"JYN! JYN! JYN!"

The noise is overwhelming. It is being made by everyone - from the barman, to the other customers, and to Lando's own group of business friends.

Jyn stands at one end of the table (it is crammed full of empty shot glasses) while Lando stands at the other. She is swaying a little, but she is still upright. ( _"Thank god," Bodhi mutters._ ) She lifts the full glass that she's holding, tipping her head to Lando in a mock salute.

"You have no idea what you've gotten yourself into, Calrissian."

"JYN! JYN! JYN!"

"On the contrary, Erso," grins Lando, who is also swaying on the balls of his feet, "I think you've gotten soft."

"You talk a lot of bullshit, Lando, but this one takes the cake."

 _Shit._

Bodhi recognises that gleam in her eyes. It is never, ever good when Jyn Erso's eyes gleam like that.

She downs the shot in one and then bangs the empty glass on the table.

"Ha!"

"JYN! JYN! JYN!"

Bodhi would have preferred it if Jyn had called Han Solo; at least the man has mellowed into a somewhat decent human being after he's gotten married. But Lando Calrissian? Bodhi would rather deal with two Han Solos than try to wrangle some sense into a drunk Lando Calrissian.

The man holds out his hand and someone pushes a full glass into it.

"It's not over yet, baby," he drawls, his eyes twinkling in that damn mischievous way.

"LANDO! LANDO! LANDO!"

He tips back the glass and downs the drink in one go. The crowd roars. Jyn, however, smirks.

Bodhi tugs at the hem of her shirt.

"Come on, Jyn, this is getting ridiculous," he whispers in her ear. "If you want to punish yourself, this is not the way - "

"Who said _anything_ about punishing myself?" she hisses, and then snaps her head back to the bar. "Another shot!"

"Jyn - "

"Slowing down, Erso?" slurs Calrissian, not really acknowledging Bodhi at all. But of course, not many people do. "The night's still young."

Jyn lifts her new glass.

"Oh, I'm just getting started."

The nails of her other hand is digging hard into her arm and Bodhi thinks that he can't be the only one who notices this.

"JYN! JYN! JYN!"

Of course she downs this shot too. The noise that follows is deafening.

For the first time tonight, Bodhi sees doubt crossing Calrissian's expression for just a fraction of a second, but he quickly grins and receives his next drink from one of his friends.

Jyn's nails are leaving red marks on her skin now.

"LANDO! LANDO! LANDO!"

Calrissian tips his glass to Jyn.

"This one's for you, baby."

He taps a finger on the glass once, twice, and then tips it back. His friends let out an almighty roar as he drinks the vodka in one and then bangs the glass on the table.

"LANDO! LANDO! LANDO!"

"I told you, baby," he says, grinning and spreading his arms as he sways. "You can't challenge me and expect to win."

Bodhi doesn't see it _coming._ Well, he has been wishing for it (he's not a saint), but he didn't really think that it was actually going to happen.

For a brief moment, Lando looks triumphant as he waves his arm at the barman, imploring him to get Jyn another drink. But then suddenly, his eyes gloss over. There is something wrong in the way his legs are crossed at the ankle. He sways dangerously and his arms flail at his side and then - boom - he crashes to the ground in one thundering heap.

Jyn's side of the room erupts in cheers and wolf-whistles. Someone almost knocks Bodhi over in an attempt to thump Jyn on the back.

 _Bloody hell._

"JYN! JYN! JYN!"

 _Christ,_ he is _so_ sleepy and tipsy and just _tired_. In the commotion, he can see his wrist watch blinking 2:15 am. With a sinking feeling, he realises that he has a class in - what? - five hours?

And he's in flight school, for god's sake. Not a normal university course where he can just show up and sit in lectures with a hangover.

"Hey, buddy! Move!"

A man with a huge tattoo on his arm crashes into Bodhi as he makes a grab for Jyn. In the process, he manages to separate the two friends.

 _That's it. That's bloody it._

"Out of the way! Out of the way!" Bodhi bellows. "Hey! You! Pull your trousers up if you don't want to get socked in the jaw!"

He pushes at the people around him, craning his neck above the throngs of bodies, trying to locate the short brunette.

"Jyn! For fuck's sake, Jyn!"

He finds her while she's about to be hoisted up on some guy's shoulder. When she spots him, her face breaks into a wide grin.

"Bodhi!" she cries, in a way which is very much unlike Jyn. "Everyone, this is my good friend Bodhi!"

"Bodhi!" the people around them roar.

"Jyn, come on. We have to get you home."

"Haven't you heard? I don't have a home." She spreads her arms. " _This_ is my home now, Bodhi. Isn't it lovely?"

"Fine! We have to get you back to _my_ home then. Come on."

"The night isn't over!"

"It bloody well is now!"

With that, Bodhi reaches up and pulls Jyn down from the man's shoulder. The people around them begin to protest, all dismayed that Jyn Erso's seemingly quiet and twitchy friend is now asserting some authority. Jyn keeps mumbling something about him being a killjoy, that she's _not at all drunk_ , and why can't _he just let her have fun._

He doesn't want to lie; her words sting a little. But he tries to ignore them, doesn't comment on them, and manages to pull her arm around his neck and drags her out of the pub. Outside, the chilly October air makes them both shudder and he wraps his arm around her to give her some of his warmth. Millions and millions of stars are twinkling down at them, as if to mock him for still being up at this time of night.

"Bodhi," she mutters into the shoulder of his sweater, "can we go back inside? It's cold."

"The car is over here, Jyn. We'll get you home."

"I was having such a great time. A really great time."

"Yeah, well," he sighs and pulls her along, "great times must come to an end."

"Everything comes to an end," she mutters against his sweater again. "Bloody everything. Do you know that? Like, like…Lando Calrissian can't hold his fucking liquor? Like, like…Han Solo getting married, you know? Like…like our bloody trip to Corpus Christi?"

Bodhi's mouth tightens. They have finally arrived at this. He has known it all along. Of course. How can he not? It has never been about drinking Lando Calrissian under the table at all.

But _god damn it,_ he is so tired and it is too late in the night for trips down memory lane.

"Here, Jyn. Come on."

He opens the back door of his Volkswagen and she practically crawls inside.

"I need - I need to…get going," she mumbles, eyes half-closed. "Bodhi, I need to…I need to call…"

"Hey! Rook! Is she okay?"

Bodhi turns around and there is Lando Calrissian, limping towards them with a soft bruise on his forehead. His steps are still unsteady, but he has the look of someone who has just been doused with a bucket of ice water.

Bodhi slams the car door shut.

"She will be. No thanks to you," he says without thinking.

Calrissian's eyes narrow. He looks surprised at Bodhi's less than amiable tone.

"Are you really blaming _me_ for this, Rook?"

"You could have said no when she called."

"Oh, please!" Lando scoffs. "If you really want to place the blame on someone, you already know who it should be."

Bodhi sucks in a sharp breath. He feels the heat rising up in his cheeks.

"That is cruel, Calrissian. Even for you."

"Well, unlike the whole lot of you, I tell it like it is."

Bodhi's hand twitches, and for a moment, he seriously considers punching Lando in the face. He knows that if it came down to a real fight, he wouldn't stand a chance. But this wouldn't be a real flight. Just a pathetic sucker punch. And he can't care less if he's going to have his ass handed to him later.

Calrissian must have noticed Bodhi's anger. His expression softens; it dissolves into something that is close to pity. Seeing it makes Bodhi feel even sadder, if that's even possible.

"Rook, I apologise," Lando sighs, his hand dropping to his side. "I'm…drunk, as you can see. I just wanted to make sure that she's going to be alright."

"She will be," replies Bodhi immediately. "I'll make sure of it."

Lando hesitates, looking like he is about to step forward and then doesn't. Finally, he shrugs as if to say _'why the hell not'_ and he moves a fraction closer to Bodhi before landing a soft hand on the younger man's shoulder. The gesture is awkward, laced with sympathy that Bodhi tells himself he doesn't want or need.

"Maybe, buddy," says Lando quietly, "you should give Andor a call."

He shrugs off Lando's hand immediately and says through gritted teeth: "Thank you. But I've got this."

"Okay then," says Lando, stepping back with his hands held up. "Okay. I believe you."

He doesn't. Bodhi knows he doesn't. But then, who the hell does?

* * *

 _"I think Kay is definitely 'Sexy Sadie'," says Jyn, looking at the bespectacled man with a teasing smile on her lips. She is sitting on Cassian's lap and sipping on a bottle of beer. "It's all in the lyrics."_

 _"I had told you that this is a silly game," says Kay dully. "One I have no wish to be a part of"_

 _"Come on. It's fun," says Jyn. "And you're also British. You should understand why we're doing this."_

 _"If I'm 'Sexy Sadie'," replies Kay, glaring at her, "then you're 'Eleanor Rigby'."_

 _Cassian almost chokes on his beer. Bodhi has to muffle his laughter in the arm of his jacket, but Jyn still notices and elbows him in the side._

 _"Ha ha. Very funny." She rolls her eyes. "What about you then, Bodhi? What Beatles song is Bodhi?"_

 _"That is easy," says Chirrut, smiling from his place by the fire. "Bodhi is 'Blackbird'."_

 _"Wow, that's - that's.." stammers Bodhi. "That's kind of nice, actually. Thank you, Chirrut."_

 _"Your welcome, Bodhi," replies the older man, looking very pleased with himself. "And Baze, on the other hand, is 'Come Together'."_

 _Baze shrugs. "Could be worse."_

 _"And you, Chirrut," says Jyn, "you're 'Let it be'."_

 _"Thank you. You flatter me, little sister."_

 _"How about Cassian?" asks Bodhi, earning a glare from the man in question. "Aren't you dying to find out your Beatles song, Cassian?"_

 _"I can't wait," says Cassian sarcastically._

 _"I thought you love The Beatles," Jyn tells him. Her fingers are rubbing playful circles on his knee._

 _"Of course I love them. But I never - "_

 _"Oh please. This one is too easy," Kay cuts in unexpectedly. He throws the rest of them a look of disdain. "Cassian is 'Revolution', of course."_

 _"I'm afraid you are wrong there, my friend," interjects Chirrut, grinning. "The detective is obviously 'Hey Jude'."_

 _Kay glares at Chirrut over his glass of wine._

 _"You can't give him 'Hey Jude'. You are only saying that he's 'Hey Jude' because he's with Jyn."_

 _"Am I wrong?" asks Chirrut, still smiling. He turns to Cassian. "I'm not wrong, aren't I, detective?"_

 _Cassian shakes his head in a resigned manner, but a smile of his own is tugging at the corners of his mouth. And when he looks down at Jyn, Bodhi can see how exceptionally warm his gaze is._

 _"No, Chirrut. I suppose you're not wrong."_

 _Jyn practically glows at him before pressing her lips briefly to his._

 _Kay, however, gives a frustrating huff and leans back in his chair._

 _"You are all rotten friends, do you know that?"_

 _And Bodhi doesn't think he has ever been this happy before._

* * *

Bodhi holds back Jyn's hair as she vomits. His wrist watch now reads 3:00 am.

Four hours until his class starts. _Damn it all._

"Oh god," gasps Jyn and she rests her head on his toilet seat. "I'm never drinking again."

"You said that last time."

"I didn't mean it last time."

"Oh, but I suppose you mean it _this_ time, don't you?" says Bodhi, rolling his eyes. He presses a glass of water to Jyn's lips. "Here. Rinse."

"I don't want to."

"I'm not letting you use my toothbrush."

"Wasn't going to ask."

" _Rinse._ "

Jyn huffs, but she lifts her head up slightly and swallows the water. She gurgles, spits into the toilet and then goes back to resting her head on the toilet seat again. "I can't…feel my hands."

Bodhi sighs. He sets the glass down by the sink and heaves Jyn up by the arm.

"Come on. I'm getting you to the sofa."

"I can…sleep here."

"I'm not going to let you sleep on the toilet, Jyn."

"Why not? God knows I deserve it."

He has to bite the inside of his mouth to keep his emotions in check.

"Jyn, come on," he says, barely getting the words out. "Help me a little here, okay?"

She mutters something incoherent, but she swings an arm around his neck and slowly lets him drag her into the living room. He puts her down on his second-hand sofa and squeezes a pillow underneath her head.

"I'm taking your shoes off, okay?"

"Hmm."

He looses the laces of her Converse and pulls the trainers off her feet. (Jyn is still Jyn and she is never going to wear heels to the pub.) Then, he grabs the blanket that is on the floor and spreads it over her.

"Goodnight, Jyn."

"Night, Bodhi."

He sighs (he feels like he's been sighing a lot lately) and reaches across her to switch off the lamp on the nearby table. However, the second they are plunged into darkness, he feels a soft touch on his wrist.

"Jyn?"

He hears her shifting on the sofa. And after his eyes have adjusted to the dark, he finds her own looking back at him. It must be because of the alcohol; Jyn's eyes have always been bright, but never _this_ bright.

"It's good to see you again, Bodhi," she whispers. Her voice is strangled, tiny, as if it is being emitted from another person entirely. "I know I'm off my face right now, but…I'm grateful. I…I need you to know that."

"I know that," he says and he entwines his fingers with hers. A lump is forming in his throat. "Of course I know that, Jyn."

"I'm fine," she whispers again. "I truly am. Despite what it looks like tonight, I have my life together. So don't tell Cassian. Alright?"

The lump is becoming a stone. It is making his eyes water. When he presses Jyn's hand to his scraggy beard, he hopes that she is too drunk to notice how much he is shaking.

"You can stay here as long as you need to, Jyn. You know that, right?"

"But you're doing so well by yourself," she says, squeezing his hand back. "I bet you're top of your class."

He chuckles brokenly. "I do alright."

"No, you don't," she says. Her smile looks half-lovely and half-tiring. "I bet you're doing better than alright. Because that's what you always do, Bodhi. Better than alright."

He stays there on the floor and holds her hand until she falls asleep, and he knows that he _shouldn't_ try again, but he knows that he will when tomorrow arrives.

* * *

(He dreams of the beach with the sand beneath his feet and the sound of his friends laughing. He is looking at them through the lens of his camera and he sees Cassian with a smile. It is so wide and bright that it makes him look nothing like Cassian at all.

"Cassian, can you at least put your arm around your bride?" he shouts.

The man obliges, still grinning like an idiot.

He sees Jyn laughing. There are stars dancing in her eyes. And when she looks up at Cassian, it makes the summer around them pale in comparison.

"For god's sake, Jyn," he says, his laughter matching hers. "Don't look like you want to rip his clothes off quite so much!"

He presses down on the shutter.

 _Snap. Snap. Snap._ )

* * *

He manages to get to class on time, but only barely. And it takes him two cups of coffee to just get through the first three hours of lessons. When his instructor is showing slide after slide of flight paths, all he can hear is the dull whirring of his own brain.

Just like Jyn said, he is never drinking again. Not ever.

At the thought of Jyn, Bodhi has to swallow down the regret. He has left without waking her up to say goodbye. Well, he didn't want to wake her up; she was still passed out on his sofa when he left this morning. But it is Jyn, and he can only hope that she is still going to be there in the evening when he gets back.

During his lunch hour (and after he has drunk his third cup of coffee), he steals away to a quiet spot just outside the library and dials the number. A part of him is surprised that it is still stored in his phone at all; it has been a few months since he has used it and it has been a few months since that number has flashed up on his screen.

The ringing goes on for far longer than he remembers.

Finally, just when he is about to hang up, it stops. He hears a cracking sound at the end of the line, and then: "Hello?"

Bodhi lets out the breath that he's been holding.

"Hello."

"Bodhi?"

"Cassian."

Cassian Andor pauses. For a while, Bodhi thinks that he is not going to say anything at all. He hears the shuffling of paper and a faint sound of glasses clinking together.

"Are you alright, Bodhi?" Cassian asks eventually. His voice is the same - steady, assured, unreadable. "Are you in trouble?"

"No," says Bodhi. He leans against the wall and closes his eyes briefly. "I just wanted to…check in. It's been a while."

"Yeah. Yeah, it has."

He hears footsteps on the other end of the line, and then someone else's voice breaks through: "Who's that?"

"It's Bodhi," replies Cassian.

"Bodhi?" A pause. "Tell him hello from me."

"Kay says hello," says Cassian.

"Yes, I heard," says Bodhi, his voice strangely hollow. "Tell him hello from me too."

"Uh...yeah, I'll make sure he knows."

"Thanks."

Again. Nothing. Bodhi thinks he hears Kay talking to another detective in the background.

"Bodhi, what is this about?" Cassian asks after the long pause.

Bodhi's grip on the phone tightens. He has never been particularly good at talking to Cassian. At least not in the way Chirrut, Kay and Jyn are. But he is always trying and trying has made him go from 'okay' to 'honest enough'.

 _So here goes nothing._

"It's about Jyn."

Silence again. This time, it seems to go on forever. Finally, Bodhi just can't take it anymore.

"She showed up at my place last night. We went out and she called Lando Calrissian and she got _completely_ pissed."

"Lando Calrissian?" says Cassian, his voice strained. "Seriously?"

"Yeah. It wasn't … well, it wasn't pretty. I took her back to my place and she collapsed there."

Cassian sighs. "Bodhi, what are you asking me to do?"

 _Fix it. Fix it all._

"I don't know," he says. "I'm thinking that you can come over and see her? Or you can call? I can give you her number. She's always changing it, but - "

"Bodhi - "

"She says she's fine, but I know she's not."

"If she says that she's fine - "

"You _both_ say that you're fine. That is all the two of you ever say."

Cassian chuckles dryly. "Maybe we really are fine."

"I doubt it," says Bodhi sharply, with a bravery he has mustered from somewhere. "We all know each other too well, remember?"

Cassian goes quiet. When he speaks again, every syllable is heavy and measured, like he has been rehearsing them for far too long.

"Bodhi, you have to stop calling me about Jyn. We broke up. I can't help her anymore."

And there they are. The words that Bodhi has been dreading. The words that, deep down, he knew he was going to hear.

"I'm sorry, I really am," says Cassian. But this time, his voice betrays his emotions. There is regret there, Bodhi can hear, and sadness, and just - well - _pain_. "I know that it's hard. Trust me. But we can't keep doing this. I am _trying_ not to keep doing this. Can you understand that?"

"This isn't fair," says Bodhi angrily, unable to stop himself.

But as soon as those words leave his lips, he feels like kicking himself. The two people he loves most in the world have broken up so, of course, it is never going to be fair. It is not fair that Chirrut and Baze have since moved back to China and Bodhi has not seen them in years. It is not fair that, despite being in his twenties, he has to spend Saturday nights alone in his flat. It is not fair that Jyn is always out there doing god knows what, saying that she is _fine_ when Bodhi knows that she is much better at punishing herself than she lets on.

And it is not fair that he is now calling Cassian up, trying again (and again), to patch up the broken pieces of things that he knows are still precious to them both.

"Bodhi, at least she has you," says Cassian softly. "And she needs you. Even when she acts like she doesn't."

"Well, she is all I have too."

"That's not true. You know that, right? Kay and I…we…"

"Yeah, I know." He pauses, closes his eyes again. "And I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry."

"I hope you and Kay are good."

"We are." He almost sounds like he believes it too. "You take care of yourself, okay, Bodhi?"

"Yeah. You too."

Then the line goes dead.

* * *

She is gone by the time he returns home.

He'd hoped that she would still be around, but that had been a long shot anyway.

Still, he almost cracks a smile when he sees that she had left his blanket neatly folded up on the sofa. She had also used one of his mugs and washed it after; it is drying on his dish rack in the tiny kitchen.

For Jyn, this is her being considerate.

It is not okay. Of course it's not. But he reckons that this is better than nothing. He had nothing once, and back then, he would trade the world just to have _this_.

He finds the note late at night after he has finished his take out and when he is about to put the leftovers in the fridge. It is pinned on there with a magnet - the one that they bought for him during one of their trips down south. (It is shaped like Texas and he keeps thinking that he should throw it out, but he never does.)

She had scribbled on that tiny piece of paper like she had been in a hurry:

 _Got a new job so I have to hit the road._

 _Your coffee is awful, but thank you for letting me crash here._

 _You're still the best._

And then, at the bottom of the note, written in letters that are so small he can barely distinguish the words: _I'm sorry that we keep letting you down._

She had written 'we' instead of 'I', and he smiles (a little) when he sees it.

He leaves the note up there for a few days or so. It just feels right. If only for a little while.

* * *

 _Someone told me that I want more_

 _That I'll feel half empty, ripped and torn_

 _They say there'll be plenty of other hands to hold_

 _Now I wish they'd told me long ago_

.

.

.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** _The line from guineapiggie's "Cold Coffee" which inspired this story is *SPOILER* "Because after all this time he's [Bodhi] still enough of a goddamn romantic to believe we [Cassian and Jyn] can save each other." I couldn't resist; I just had to explore their friendship and how it would be affected if Jyn and Cassian were to break up._

 _Regarding the inclusion of Lando, for the longest time, I've had this image of Lando and Jyn in a drinking competition (Marion Ravenwood, Indy's lady love, is to blame), but I couldn't find a story for it. While I was writing this, I just had to bring Lando in even though I can give no explanation on how they came to know each other in this AU._

 _As for The Beatles songs, to me Bodhi is obviously 'Blackbird' and Cassian is 'Hey Jude'. However, if you have your own Beatles song ideas for any of the characters, please, PLEASE share them!_

 _Thanks to Birdy's "Deep End" (lyrics at the end), Maren Morris ("I wish I was"), and my girl Miranda Lambert ("Tin Man") for the soundtrack to my writing._

 _Please let me know what you thought!_


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